The Zombie Christmas

In my first year of uni I made a violent, gory, wholesome Christmas story in the form of a Tumblr post. Naturally, not many people saw it. So I'm sharing it with you and hopefully you have as much fun reading it as I did making it. I it's also the last entry in the Santa, Eddie the Elf and Rudolph chronology (so far)

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

WHEN ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING

NOT EVEN A MOUSE

BUT UPSTAIRS A LITTLE GIRL

COULDN’T DRIFT OFF

FOR SHE WAS EXPECTING

A CHRISTMAS PAYOFF

SHE DIDN’T LIKE PRINCESSES OR GIRLY THINGS, NO SHE WANTED FIREARMS, WEAPONS, AMMO

THE LITTLE GIRL HAD A QUITE VIOLENT PERSONA WHICH CAUSED HER PARENTS TO WORRY ABOUT HER

THEY ONCE CALLED A DOCTOR TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG BUT THE DOCTOR WENT HOME WITH HIS SANITY GONE

AND AS THE LITTLE GIRL LAY AWAKE IN HER BED A THOUGHT CAME ACROSS HER THAT FILLED HER WITH DREAD

WHAT IF INSTEAD OF THE GIFTS SHE DESIRED SHE INSTEAD RECEIVED TOYS OF WHICH SHE WAS TIRED?

WHAT IF ST. NICK NEVER BROUGHT HER A SWORD AND INSTEAD BROUGHT HER DOLLIES OF WHICH SHE WAS BORED?

THE LITTLE GIRL STARTED

TO WORRIEDLY MOAN

WHEN OUT OF THE WINDOW

SHE HEARD A LOUD GROAN

THE LITTLE GIRL SAT UP AND LOOKED THROUGH THE GLASS OF HER BEDROOM WINDOW TO SEE A LARGE MASS

OF DEAD-LOOKING PEOPLE WITH HORRIBLE FEATURES WHAT ON EARTH WERE THESE TERRIFYING CREATURES?

WHEN SHE LOOKED A BIT CLOSER THE LITTLE GIRL SAID “OH NO! THESE CREATURES ARE THE LIVING DEAD!”

THE LITTLE GIRL THOUGHT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE AND WHILE SHE WAS AT IT WHY NOT HAVE SOME FUN?

IT WASN’T VERY OFTEN SHE GOT TO CUT LOOSE A MOMENT LIKE THIS SHE COULD CERTAINLY USE

THE LITTLE GIRL LEAPED OUT OF BED STRAIGHT AWAY AND GRABBED ALL HER TOYS FOR A NEW KIND OF PLAY

HER SKIPPING ROPE WOULD MAKE A USEFUL LASSO AND HER FRISBEE, A USEFUL PROJECTILE TO THROW

SHE SHOT DOWN THE STAIRS

QUICK AND QUIET AS A FOX

RUNNING TO THE FRONT DOOR

AND UNBOLTING THE LOCK

SHE BURST OUT THE DOOR AND INTO THE COLD WHERE HER EYES GAZED UPON A SIGHT TO BEHOLD

A HUGE PLAQUE OF ZOMBIES WAS LURKING OUTSIDE AND THE LITTLE GIRL UNDERESTIMATED THEIR SIZE

THEY LUMBERED TOWARDS HER

WITH EMPTY, DEAD EYES

THE GIRL DIDN’T HESITATE

AND SHOT BACK INSIDE

THE ZOMBIES GROANED LOUDER

AS THEY CLAWED AT THE DOOR

WHEN DOWN FROM THE CHIMNEY

THERE CAME SANTA CLAUS

WITH EDDIE THE ELF

AND RUDOLPH IN TOW

ARMED TO THE TEETH

AND READY TO GO

THE LITTLE GIRL GAZED AT THE WEAPONS THEY’D BROUGHT EXPLOSIVES AND FIREARMS THEY HAD THE WHOLE LOT

SANTA SAID TO THE GIRL WITH HIS TWINKLING EYES

THE LITTLE GIRL DIDN’T NEED TO BE ASKED TWICE SHE SAID YES AND WAS HANDED A COLT .45

THEY RAN TO THE FRONT DOOR, READY TO ROCK AND PUSHED A GRENADE THROUGH THE DOOR’S LETTERBOX

THE EXPLOSION SENT TWELVE

OF THE ZOMBIES TO HELL

MORE WERE KILLED BY A

BAZOOKA-WIELDING ELF

THEY RAN THROUGH THE TOWN

MURDERING THE UNDEAD

PUTTING BLADES IN THEIR NECKS

AND ROUNDS IN THEIR HEADS

SANTA’S M4 BLEW

THE ZOMBIES LIMBS OFF

AND EDDIE’S KATANA SWORD

FINISHED THEM OFF

RUDOLF HAD HOOVES

SO HE COULDN’T PULL TRIGGERS

SO INSTEAD HE KILLED ZOMBIES

WITH SOMETHING MUCH BIGGER

HE USED A LARGE AXE

TO CHOP OFF THEIR HEADS

AND STOMPED ON THEIR SKULLS

TO MAKE SURE THEY WERE DEAD

BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH,

TOO MUCH AMMO WAS SPENT

SO BACK TO THE HOUSE

AND UP THE CHIMNEY THEY WENT

THE GIRL EXPECTED

AMMUNITION APLENTY

BUT SHE WAS SURPRISED

TO FIND SANTA’S SLEIGH EMPTY

THEY HOPPED IN THE SLEIGH

AND GAVE IT A PUSH

THEY SHOT OFF THE ROOF

AND TOOK OFF WITH A WHOOSH

THEY FLEW THROUGH THE CLOUDS AND THE WIND AND THE SNOW AND THEY LOOKED AT THE CROWDS OF THE DEAD DOWN BELOW

SANTA CALLED OUT “IT’S TIME FOR PLAN FOR PLAN B WE’LL USE ALL THESE WEAPONS I INSTALLED JUST LAST WEEK!”

HE REACHED FOR A BUTTON ON THE SLEIGHS DASHBOARD HE HIT ONE MARKED ATTACK AND WEAPONS GALORE

CAME OUT OF THE SLEIGH TO THE LITTLE GIRLS DELIGHT THE MISSILES AND GUNS WERE AN EXTRAORDINARY SIGHT

SANTA SAID TO THE GIRL “FOR ONE LAST TREAT HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAN THE MISSILES FOR ME?”

THE GIRL WAS ECSTATIC AND WRIGGLED WITH JOY SHE HIT A RED BUTTON AND THE MISSILES DEPLOYED

BULLETS AND ROCKETS

FLEW DOWN TO THE GROUND

AND THE ZOMBIES WERE QUICKLY

DISPATCHED ALL AROUND

FIRE AND SMOKE FLEW AND THE STREETS RAN RED AND ALL OF THE ZOMBIES WERE FINALLY DEAD

SANTA CLAUS THANKED THE GIRL FOR HER SKILLS EVEN IF SHE’D ANNOYED HIM BY STEALING HIS KILLS

HE TOOK THE GIRL HOME AND SENT HER UPSTAIRS SHE GOT INTO BED AND FELL FAST ASLEEP THERE

WHEN THE LITTLE GIRL WOKE UP SHE SHOT OUT OF BED TO TELL MUM AND DAD HOW SHE FOUGHT THE UNDEAD

THEY DIDN’T BELIEVE HER (WHAT SANE PERSON WOULD?) BUT THAT CHANGED WHEN THEY SAW THEIR RAZED NEIGHBORHOOD

THE END